A blog I recently posted has exploded into quite a furor in some quarters of blogdom. Sadly, my intent has been widely misunderstood and/or misrepresented. Therefore, it seemed prudent that I provide some context and clarification.
I am a Bible-believing, Jesus-loving, Christian pastor. I became a Christian when I was nineteen years of age and have seen my life change very radically since that time. Presently, my priorities are to be connected to Jesus, my family, and the church that I pastor. In addition to that, I have the great honor of helping to pastor some other pastors.
Over the years, I have traveled the country to speak with many mainly young pastors. In those years I have seen far too many young pastors leave the ministry because of sexual sin. I can still remember the first such call I received; a friend who was the pastor of a new church in another state notified me that he had been caught in an ongoing adulterous sexual relationship with a woman in his church. To be honest, I felt like I was going to throw up. Since that first call, my phone has rung many more times and every time my heart breaks and I again feel like I am going to throw up.
Pastors are supposed to meet certain biblical criteria, criteria that are mainly about how we treat our wives, children, and tend to our home. Furthermore, we are to live in such a way that other people who call us pastor can imitate us, which means that fidelity is of the utmost importance.
As a result, when I got word of the recent fall of Pastor Ted Haggard, I again felt sick. Throughout the day, my wife kept asking me what I was thinking, and I told her that I could not stop thinking about his wife and children and what a horrendous season they had been thrust into. In an effort to help the pastors who allow me to speak into their lives in varying degrees, I then put together my blog, hoping to give some general practical suggestions for young pastors to think through.
What I did not mean to communicate was anything regarding the Haggards, particularly Mrs. Haggard. She is not to blame for the sin of her husband.
What I did mean to communicate is that most pastors I know who have fallen did so with a heterosexual adulterous relationship, often with someone they were close to in their church. In addition, as I met with many of these fallen pastors and their wives, I saw a common theme emerge: most of the marriages had serious troubles that included a lack of emotional, spiritual, and, subsequently, physical intimacy.
Sadly, too often the message of the Christian church to men and women is be a virgin until you get married and do not commit adultery when you are married. While this is true, it is also incomplete. What is sometimes lacking is full, free, and frank teaching from such books as the Song of Songs about the sexual liberties that can be enjoyed by married couples. As a result, there are some pastors I have personally known who have never really even discussed sexuality with their wife in any great detail.
The words of 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 are pertinent, 'Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.'
For those who are Bible-believing Christians, we must continually ponder Paul's commands. He is saying that there are some ways in which not being married has benefits-especially for those working in dangerous contexts where persecution and death are probable. But because not everyone will remain sexually chaste, it is also good for some people to marry so that such desires have a natural and holy outlet. Within marriage, we must also accept that our body is no longer solely our own but is given to our spouse as a gift. Practically, this means that both husbands and wives should tend to themselves out of love for God and their spouse. This also means that in a Christian marriage, there should be a satisfying sexual relationship that does not cause one person to be embittered so that an opportunity is opened up for sexual temptation and sin.
I will reiterate that Paul's commands are to both husbands and wives. When either party in a marriage is not a good steward of their body, or uses sex to control or punish the other spouse, hurt, conflict, and bitterness can ensue. The tragic result is often sexual sin, such as pornography and adultery. While such sins are not excusable because of a difficult marriage, a biblical marriage can provide some helpful defense against such temptation and sin.
As I have re-read my blog, I can see how some may have misconstrued what I said. Because I was writing to male pastors, I spoke in such a way that was not as clear as it could have been regarding what is true of Christian marriage in general. Therefore, I hope that this post is more clarifying.
My heart remains deeply burdened for the many young pastors who either do not enter ministry with a history of sexual purity and/or are struggling to maintain it in marriage and ministry. Pastors must continually strive for loving and satisfying intimacy on all levels with our spouse and to finish our race well many miles down the road of life. If you are a young pastor or Christian leader reading this blog who knows deep down that you are not in the best of places with your spouse and fidelity to them, I would simply urge you to seek wise counsel right away. Do not settle for anything less than what God intends for your marriage because too much is at stake to take any risks.
Lastly, I want to thank my critics, especially the most vocal. They have helped me to understand that more than just pastors are following what I am saying. Subsequently, they are helping me to learn how to more clearly articulate what I am trying to communicate. In that way, they have been of great assistance to me as I seek to pastor most effectively for Jesus. I have waited some time to post this clarification because in times past I have gotten angry and responded with a tone that was defensive, prideful, and not helpful. I am learning that critics in some ways are also friends because there is often some truth in what they are pointing out. Subsequently, God is using my critics to teach me and is asking me to be willing to listen.
As a happily married and sexually active pastor (those two go together) serving on the grossly unchurched, sexually charged San Francisco Peninsula, I was thankful for the warning and the counsel you posed in your original Haggard post. Thanks for seeking to be a pastor to pastors by speaking, in specific fashion, on a topic that often goes unaddressed among pastors.
And even though I wasn't alarmed over any of the content of your original post, let me also give you a shout out for responding to your critics with humility and gratitude. That's a great model for younger pastors like me to follow.
Justin Buzzard
Central Peninsula Church
www.buzzardblog.typepad.com
I agree wholeheartedly with your post. What I do feel is that there is an issue with Christians whether they are pastors or not that struggle with the temptations of homosexuality and through fear do not speak up about their own struggles, this leads to the kinds of hidden sin that Ted Haggard has allegedly fallen into.
Your advice is sound for heterosexual married Christians but what about those struggling with homosexual temptations - i know this through personal experience of a dear friend of mine who struggled for years finding the homosexual temptations resurfacing time and time again, until he 'gave in' and adopted the homosexual lifestyle.
In this case his wife could not do any more. We need to make sure that in our churches we do not create a culture of fear so that these things do not remain hidden, but to bring these things to the surface for accountability, care and healing.
Your thoughts, although sometimes brash to some, are worth listening too. I get the sense also, that you take your responsibility seriously rather than some who just want to air an opinion and cause trouble..
John Watson
Eltham Green Christian Centre, London, UK
www.egcc.co.uk
I feel a kind of kindred spirit here. May I ask a question? To Pastor Mark or anyone else in the forum. And this happens to me all the time....
Do you get a lot of:
"Yes, you're right! But..."
"Yup, that's what you, the Bible, the dictionary, the encyclopedia and Reader's digest say! But..."
And the "But" seems to always be:
"But... you can't say it that way."
"But... you can't tell those people right now."
"But... that might make people feel bad!"
"But... Jesus wouldn't want you to hurt those people's feelings by telling them that."
I'm so tired of "Yes! But"'s. But then, when I read about your humility and how you handle the "Yes! But"'s (like this one and the one with Leadership Mag earlier.. or was it CT?), I'm encouraged that the message can be heard and then you are gracious enough to clarify. You don't back down from the "Yes!", but you then help them along with the "But".
I continue to learn much from you! Keep up the good work.
I've been doing some research out there on why some bloggers hate you so much. Much of what is said relates back to this "haggard saga" so I thought I would read what you actually wrote about.
To be honest with you, my conclusion is that most of your critics are simply "limp wristed" as you like to say. The greatest scorn you receive most probably come form "men" who no longer know what it's like to be a man.
They say you hate women and are chauvinistic simply because you write and say things that Biblical men should already be doing. I hate feminism and chauvinism with a passion as I've seen both extremes played out in my life. I honestly do not see any chauvinistic comments or attitudes in you. Those that do, I conclude are weak and seek to please culture rather than God.
I guess my only difficulty in listening to your content is a man's passion for sexual relations with his wife. I agree with it completely. Trouble is, I suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and my libido has packed up shop and jumped the planet. So when you talk about these things, I crave for it but am unable to attain it due to illness. You can imagine the stresses this places on my relationship with my stunningly beautiful wife.
But overall, keep doing what you're doing. God has used you mightily to speak wisdom and purpose into my life and to that of my church in Australia. Your material has gripped my Pastor and he is overcome with a renewed sense of purpose and mission. "Ruined For Life" is a post he placed on our church website where he outlines this renewed zeal.
Mark,
As a happily married and sexually active pastor (those two go together) serving on the grossly unchurched, sexually charged San Francisco Peninsula, I was thankful for the warning and the counsel you posed in your original Haggard post. Thanks for seeking to be a pastor to pastors by speaking, in specific fashion, on a topic that often goes unaddressed among pastors.
And even though I wasn't alarmed over any of the content of your original post, let me also give you a shout out for responding to your critics with humility and gratitude. That's a great model for younger pastors like me to follow.
Justin Buzzard
Central Peninsula Church
www.buzzardblog.typepad.com
I agree wholeheartedly with your post. What I do feel is that there is an issue with Christians whether they are pastors or not that struggle with the temptations of homosexuality and through fear do not speak up about their own struggles, this leads to the kinds of hidden sin that Ted Haggard has allegedly fallen into.
Your advice is sound for heterosexual married Christians but what about those struggling with homosexual temptations - i know this through personal experience of a dear friend of mine who struggled for years finding the homosexual temptations resurfacing time and time again, until he 'gave in' and adopted the homosexual lifestyle.
In this case his wife could not do any more. We need to make sure that in our churches we do not create a culture of fear so that these things do not remain hidden, but to bring these things to the surface for accountability, care and healing.
Your thoughts, although sometimes brash to some, are worth listening too. I get the sense also, that you take your responsibility seriously rather than some who just want to air an opinion and cause trouble..
John Watson
Eltham Green Christian Centre, London, UK
www.egcc.co.uk
I feel a kind of kindred spirit here. May I ask a question? To Pastor Mark or anyone else in the forum. And this happens to me all the time....
Do you get a lot of:
"Yes, you're right! But..."
"Yup, that's what you, the Bible, the dictionary, the encyclopedia and Reader's digest say! But..."
And the "But" seems to always be:
"But... you can't say it that way."
"But... you can't tell those people right now."
"But... that might make people feel bad!"
"But... Jesus wouldn't want you to hurt those people's feelings by telling them that."
I'm so tired of "Yes! But"'s. But then, when I read about your humility and how you handle the "Yes! But"'s (like this one and the one with Leadership Mag earlier.. or was it CT?), I'm encouraged that the message can be heard and then you are gracious enough to clarify. You don't back down from the "Yes!", but you then help them along with the "But".
I continue to learn much from you! Keep up the good work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
><)))))> ~ ><))))> ~ ><)))>
www.redeemerbaptist.net
Hi Mark,
I've been doing some research out there on why some bloggers hate you so much. Much of what is said relates back to this "haggard saga" so I thought I would read what you actually wrote about.
To be honest with you, my conclusion is that most of your critics are simply "limp wristed" as you like to say. The greatest scorn you receive most probably come form "men" who no longer know what it's like to be a man.
They say you hate women and are chauvinistic simply because you write and say things that Biblical men should already be doing. I hate feminism and chauvinism with a passion as I've seen both extremes played out in my life. I honestly do not see any chauvinistic comments or attitudes in you. Those that do, I conclude are weak and seek to please culture rather than God.
I guess my only difficulty in listening to your content is a man's passion for sexual relations with his wife. I agree with it completely. Trouble is, I suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and my libido has packed up shop and jumped the planet. So when you talk about these things, I crave for it but am unable to attain it due to illness. You can imagine the stresses this places on my relationship with my stunningly beautiful wife.
But overall, keep doing what you're doing. God has used you mightily to speak wisdom and purpose into my life and to that of my church in Australia. Your material has gripped my Pastor and he is overcome with a renewed sense of purpose and mission. "Ruined For Life" is a post he placed on our church website where he outlines this renewed zeal.
Simon Tomek | LayGuy
www.citywestchurch.com